Manic Depression
and the Cyclic Nature of Revelation
A Spiritual Biography
David Freed MLS (ASCP)cm
www.ponderingconfusion.com
An UnQuiet Mind
"There is a particular kind of pain, elation, loneliness, and terror involved in this kind of madness. When you're high it's tremendous. The ideas and feelings are fast and frequent like shooting stars, and you follow them until you find better and brighter ones. Shyness goes, the right words and gestures are suddenly there, the power to captivate others a felt certainty. There are interest found in uninteresting people. Sensuality is pervasive and the desire to seduce and be seduced irresistible. Feelings of ease, intensity, power, well-being, financial; omnipotence, and euphoria pervade one's marrow. But, somewhere, this changes. The fast ideas are far too fast, and there are far too many; overwhelming confusion replaces clarity. Memory goes. Humor and adsorption on friend's faces are replaced by fear and concern. Everything previously moving with the grain in now against - you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable, and enmeshed totally in the blackest caves of the mind. You never knew those caves were there. It will never end, for madness carves its own reality." (Jamison, Kay Redfield, An Unquiet Mind, 1996, p. 67-68, Alfred A. Knopf, New York, NY)
A Personal Confession
I have never found the words to express for myself what it is like to be possessed by a "Manic" flight of fancy, or the "Demonic" grip of bad attitude. I didn't think anyone else could relate to my experience either, until I was introduced to the writings of Kay Redfield Jamison Ph.D. She is a Manic Depressive that did so much self-study that she became a Professor of Psychiatry at John Hopkins. Talk about being Obsessive-Compulsive! Her words finally spoke to me, in a way that helped me to see my own life for what it is.
There is a medical chart somewhere on this planet that stigmatizes me as a "Manic Depressive" suffering from "Bi-Polar Syndrome," with "Obsessive-Compulsive Tendencies," that lead to "Addictive Behaviors." What a mouthful! However, now that I am old enough, and slow enough, the Cyclic Nature of my Manic Depressive life becomes more clear as it swings between the extremes of my personality. Aptitude and ability, enhanced by the inspiration and energy of mania, builds to a success fueled self confidence that leads to more frequent self-destructive behaviors that always end in despair and depression, followed by guilt and repentance.
People that know me are usually in denial about my personality.
We all have ups and downs they say. But, just as a woman could never describe childbirth to me; I hope no one reading this can relate to those moments in my life, alone at home, in public, or at work, when my hands tremble and my mind races with so many thoughts that they become confusing and hard to follow - then they turn with the same swiftness into feelings of worry and concern about being out-of-control, suddenly you are aware of your mania and life is a struggle between being functional and the overwhelming urge to retreat and hide. Run away and shut down before the arrogance of my mania opens the door that allows the dark nature of my madness to express itself aloud.
"My work and professional life flowed. But, nowhere did this, or my upbringing, or my intellect, or my character, prepare me for insanity." (Jamison, p. 82)
My Personal Demon
It has become very easy to me to think of my dark self as a "Demon." Any power over me that manipulates me into destroying friendships and hurting the very people that I love the most has to be evil. The doctors say that it is only biological. I am just that animal my genome encoded.
"My mind was flying high that day, courtesy of whatever neurotransmitters God had programmed into my genes, ..." (Jamison, p. 46)
However, I am more than just DNA. My biology feels warmth and pain, but it is more than just biology that feels compassion, joy, love, and the guilt of despair and regret. It wasn't my biology that caused my mother to cry or my wife to leave. It was just me. That part of me that is aware and alive. That part of me that you cannot find in an x-ray. That part of me that is easily influenced by the power of suggestion and psychological conditioning. That part of me that yearns to know God, and therefore that part of me that is at war with the "Demons" that rule my carnal attitudes.
Christianity
I was born into the Judeo-Christian heritage, even that I had no control over. My family attended church infrequently, but I still remember attending church as a child sitting next to my mother. I never gave religion or God much thought until my High School years. I was fortunate enough to attend a New England prep-school some 1500 miles away from home. In an attempt to fit in and belong, being alone and in a completely strange environment, I joined a Bible-Study group. After all, I was of Judeo-Christian heritage and it was such an easy group to join. Besides, in that academic environment, it was refreshing to open a book that wasn't for grade.
I lived in a dormitory on campus and the great joy in life was to go to town. Didn't matter what you did, as long as it was off campus. During my second year at school a Christian Bookstore and Coffee House had opened and for twenty-five cents and a prayer you could sit and listen to live entertainment on Saturday nights. It was really cool for a Midwestern boy to be in a New England Coffee House fitting in and making townie friends. It was in the back room of that very Coffee House that I first fell on my knees in front of the a public forum and asked Christ into my life.
I couldn't wait for Tuesday nights and the gathering that would form around the Bible Study at the Coffee House. This was in a very academic area of Massachusetts just North of Boston and there were some very intelligent and credentialed people speaking at these gatherings. I didn't contribute much at all, but I was mesmerized by the interaction of different perspectives all praising the Lord for his creation.
I wanted to be like those men. I wanted to live up to my surroundings. I was at a private school in New England, awash in the history of the American Revolution. Benjamin Franklin drew the very seal that would stamp my eventual diploma. My goals were grandiose and I carried so much self-imposed stress that failure was inevitable. I certainly couldn't walk the Christian walk that I talked. I couldn't compete academically and as my classmates became accepted to Harvard and Yale, my manic demon asserted its evil attitudes and I left school two weeks prior to formal graduation.
Cyclic Nature
Absolutely everything was going my way. The opportunities before me were amazing and I self-destructed. The first great cycle of my life had ended and my downward spiral of repeated failures began to overwhelm. I returned home to Northern Indiana and took a job with my brother-in-law. I found myself working on a portable saw mill ran by two Amish families as part of their construction company. I was a wimpy preppy working side-by-side with Amish guys that were hardened on the farm as young boys, and once again I couldn't hold up my end. I eventually ran away to Arizona and did some dishwashing to stay alive. I was eighteen and almost on the streets and there were no thoughts of God or prayer. I couldn't go back and for the first time in my life thoughts of suicide entered my mind.
Luckily, I escaped Arizona, and life on the street, by enlisting in the Marine Corps. For the next four years I would have a home and maybe - just maybe - I could began to feel proud of who I am and be one of those few and proud men of integrity. I have many good memories of my military experience. I never fired a weapon in anger and I had a lot of fun in the orient. Once again I found myself drawn into a bible study setting. Not so much as I wanted to join, but because I spent three years of prep-school learning to translate Classical Greek. By request, I found myself teaching New Testament Greek to a small group in Yokuska Japan.
However, once again, I managed to only do three years and seven months of my four year hitch. Since then I have cycled through several occupations and survived three different cycles of I love you and marriage, followed by divorce and financial ruin. Time has made me more aware of the cyclic nature of my life than any other indicator. The hope is that I age well and mellow with time verses becoming a grumpy old recluse that has to be put down for everybody’s' benefit.
I tried to be a Good Christian
At three different times in my life, I tried to be a good Christian. The first time was in high school spellbound by great men of intelligence, the second time as a result of translating scripture for myself, the third time by a mid-life growth spurt thanks to my wife, Judy. We each wanted a better life, we each thought that "Church" was only a positive experience and dedicated our new lives in Colorado to God. Even our marriage ceremony was unconventional in an effort to display ourselves more openly, and therefore honestly, before the Lord. We joined the local church and soon began dedicating much time to our new Christian friends. I even found myself a member of the church board at one point.
But as all cycles run, I had to resign from the board and walk away. Christianity had become endless committees arguing about money and responsibilities. I found myself in the middle of personality disputes between the Pastor and members of the congregation and board. Not once, not twice, but three time did we have to yield as a board to the will of the Pastor, or he would quit. Yet, we also had to listen to him whine that he needed a new truck, although we already paid him a total monthly compensation package worth more than 90% of what the congregation made. The problem with single Pastor Community Churches is that over time all of the descenting opinions leave and the bulk of the congregation becomes more of a personal fan club than a open forum for the community.
I read the books. I joined the clubs. I gave of myself to my neighbor. Yet, after all of my experience, I was still left searching and hollow. Maybe, I just didn't get it. Wasn't Christ and The Holy Spirit supposed to be with us there at all those meetings? Instead we squabbled over greed of money and pride of recognition and responsibility.
By this time in my life I already understood that my biology is just a little different than norm. Manic outbursts of depressive negative energy and attitude have continually agitated my life. I am that animal that my genome encoded and during those periods of my life when I am in despair, I have always resented my flawed genetic link to God's creation.
Why me O Lord
If God created us to live out our live here on earth for his glory, then why is humanity genetically predisposed to all sorts of physical and mental weaknesses? I tried to be a good Christian. I know the Bible Stories. First there was Adam, a perfect man who walked and talked with God in the Garden-of-Eden. A man that could see the angels singing the Lord's praises in the heavens. But he fell and lost not only his place in the Garden. Once leaving the Garden he lived in a cave and learned what it meant to be hungry, cold, and alone in the dark. Humanity became de-evolved.
Adam's descendants shared their prediluvian world with Fallen Angels, from an extraterrestrial realm of fiery stones, and their Nephilium prodigy of Alien form. However, humanity could not hold their own against evil forces and God destroyed the earth and its inhabitants in the Flood of Noah. According to the Bible Story, only eight people survived the flood, Noah, his three sons and the wives to these four men. Jewish legends from the Midrash tell of Noah's son, Hamm, having behavior problems aboard the ark. It was Hamm that scripture tells of having some type of social transgression with Noah after the flood. The point is that God repopulated earth with 1/8th of the gene pool predisposed to behavior problems.
The Tower of Babel
Man was already de-evolved from Adam and now again man himself living on a completely different planet after the flood. Gravity and pressures are much different. Atmospheric composition and dynamics have change to allow rain and other life forms that shared the planet with prediluvian man are gone. Once again humanity is de-evolved. Yet, after the flood, man began to rebuild and grow.
Gen 11:4 "... 'Come let us build ourselves a city, with a tower that reaches into the heavens, so that we may make a name for ourselves ...'"
To me, this is one of the most puzzling items of my Judeo-Christian Heritage. This doesn't seem to be anything like those old Sunday School stories of a bunch of desert dwellers building a rugged looking stone masonry tower. To me, this sounds much more like these guys wanted to build a complex. A city sized research complex dedicated to exploration, dedicated to understanding and connecting with the universe. Why? - For the benefit of the species and all mankind. Isn't this the same goal as mankind wanting to colonize space, ‘To boldly go where no man has gone before,’ or form a one world government?
Gen 11:6 "The Lord said, 'If as one people speaking the same language they have begun to do this, then nothing they plan to do will be impossible for them.'"
This is just another big piece to my puzzle. If God created us and He is our Father, then why wouldn't the above statement make him proud as a parent? Even with all the de-evolution away from that original man, Adam, and even with all of the impediments placed in our way, man still pulled together as one people and strived for greatness.
Imagine if our species was let alone. It has only take modern man a few hundred years of technological development to reach the moon. Just how long would it have taken man as one people to do the same? Mankind may have been a space faring race for centuries by now. Mankind could have been praising the Lord from several quadrants of the galaxy, but, evidently God didn't want that either.
For the third time, God directly intervenes in the development of man, by once again, stunting our potential and completing our de-evolution. Some people claim to have some so-called reason to be mad at God about something or another. If I had to pick one this would be it. I understand that I have to till the ground for my food and I can never return to the Garden. But - why can I not live up to my full potential?
Am I cursed?
If God created all and knows all and I am exactly who God chose me to be, then why was I born into such a gene pool as mine? Why does the biology of the animal my genome encoded prevent me from being happy? - being normal? Why is reality of my personality better described as a struggle with my demon, rather than my walk with God?
How many times have I heard a Christian counselor or Pastor say, "Just turn your life over to God and all will be well." No it won't! Didn't work for Job. Hasn't worked for me. I still see good Christian people struck with tragic events. Prison inmates that turn to God are still in jail. Terminal patients that turn to God are still terminal. I am still manic and my local church has just become a club house for its Pastor, who is just a man that loves to hear himself speak.
The pressure is to conform and just go with the flow. The effort to rise above oneself is paramount to failure. Disappointments and conflicts, failures and guilt, all do their best to drag us down to our primordial common denominators. My quest is a journey to clarity of thought and purpose. I am animal by birth, but spiritual growth is by choice. However, the path is Confusing and I must Ponder my way carefully.
The Cyclic Nature of Revelation
As an Obsessive-Compulsive, I have always had a tendency to become overly zealous about a new personal discoveries or revelations. The argument is that if you believe in any of the scriptures, you have to believe in them all. Yet, literal interpretation conflicts with my educational conditioning.
I want to be a good Christian, but the demonic nature of my genetic construct would have it otherwise. I gave of myself at church, but my Pastor was just a man and the end experience was just hollow and disappointing. I have been on my knees begging for guidance and revelation. Yet, I still feel Confused and lost and the journey of my Quest is again delayed, or put on hold.
Yet, though my years of counseling and circumspection about my mania, I have come to learn that the search for a cure is unrealistic. The goal is to reach a balance between the extremes. Develop coping skills to recognize the highs and lows of my own personality, in an effort to act intelligently and logically through the cloud of dysfunctionality.
Attitudes about my religion have also experience swings of acceptance. Extremes such as - there is a God to how can there be a God. There must be angels, but why do I have a hard time believing in things like possession and exorcisms. What type of coping skills may I, as a Christian, develop to balance all of the Confusing extremes of my reality? Pondering the very duality of my nature in an attempt to separate the misconceptions of my "Psychology of Understanding."To Ponder a balance and then perhaps a better revelation.
Balance through Cosmology
Therefore, I separate my belief system into two parts. First, there are those very few, but very important, things that I personally accept on faith alone and define who I am. These things are personal to each of us and are not open to debate. Everything else is Cosmology and commentary on reality, which I love to Ponder and is the intent of this exercise, which may, or may not; impact those things I take on faith alone.
In 2006 I began the Pondering Confusion Fellowship which serves as an open forum to explore the Confusing aspects of my reality. Speculation and Ponder can offer such relief to once retrained and repressed ideas. You cannot get cosmology wrong and to make a point, you can even bend the Laws of the Nature. I can create posers to Ponder such as: "Expanding Earth Theory and Noah," or "Biblical Ufology and Ancient Astronauts;" and as of January 1st 2001 I offered – The Fluid Dynamics of Whole Earth Decompression Theory – for formal review.
Cosmology opens the door to explore other information besides just scripture. Corporate Christianity and their thought police have lost its appeal for this Christian. I desire more! Gnostic texts from the first century AD have more quotations from Jesus Christ, than do the New Testament Gospels. Why did the early church actively purge these words from "Sanctioned" Christian literature?
Jesus said, "Become earnest about the word! For as to the word, its first part is faith; the second, love, the third works; from these comes life."
Just what word is He referring to? Christianity wants to pigeonhole it to only scripture, but my reality is so much larger than only scripture.
Jesus goes on to say, "Hearken to the word; understand knowledge; ..." (Robinson, James M., The Nag Hammadi Libary: The Apocryphon of James, p. 34, 1990, Harper Collins Publishers, San Francisco)
Doesn't scripture also tell us that all creation witnesses to God's glory? How can genuine facts from any source, regardless of presentation, deny the common central truth behind it all? What is the harm in justifying the billions of years of the Big-Bang or Darwin's suggestions of evolution alongside of God's creation? Why are discussions of a multidimensional reality, or time dilation and relativity, not scriptural? Why isn't all information relative to my spiritual Quest?
The Archons of the Gnostics and the false message of salvation
In Gnostic beliefs, Archons are planetary rulers and guardians of the spiritual planes. The Archons were associated with the planets of our solar system, or more precisely - the visible seven planets. The common language of the time was Greek. In Greek, Archon means authority and comes from the same root as archangel. They are presented as predatory beings that inhibit spiritual awakening by convincing humanity of a false reality; they are the forces of sin, fear, and temptation. (altreligion.about.com/library)
"The Archons cast a trance over Adam which caused him to be sleepy, but it was his perception they dulled ... They make our hearts heavy that we may not pay attention and may not see. So we loose the reflection of the Divine Light within us ... The Archons burden the soul, attracting us to works of evil, and pull us down into oblivion, make us forget who we are. (The Apocrypha of John II 22: 14-10, though 27-20.)"
The Second Treatise of the Great Seth, another text of gnostic origin, "... explains how the Archons induce a false plan of salvation into the human mind, a counterfeit of the true plan of self-liberation we can take by developing our innate potential of Nous, 'divine-intelligence.'" the script goes on to say, "... that 'the doctrine of Aliens' is a great deception upon the human soul." (metahistory.org/ExtrarerrestrialRelioion.php)
The Hypostasis of the Archons tells us that it was the Archons that fell and fathered children with mankind. They are the Nephilium and Watchers. They were there when Eve was created and when Cain killed Able. This text also states very clearly that the Archons are the 'authorities of darkness' as told of in Colossians 1:13 and 'the spirits of wickedness' from Paul's letter to the Ephesians; "... our struggle is not against flesh and blood - as he says in (Ep 6:12) - but against the world rulers of this darkness and the spirits of wickedness (Archons)." (Robinson, James M., The Nag Hammadi Library, The Exegesis of the Soul, 1990, Harper, San Francisco, CA)
Corporate Christianity
Why did the early church fight so hard to keep these Gnostic concepts from the New Testament Canon? Why did the early church outlaw honest scientific research? Why did alchemy, demons, and sin dominate the early church instead of the love of Christ? Penances were paid, scrounging performed, and the Holy Roman Church became a Nation on to its own, with power that rivaled, if not surpassing, the Kings of world. More importantly, the church became the religious thought police for the planet.
A great awakening occurred and Martin Luther and King James broke away from the power of the church to mislead the masses. Protestantism is born and the Bible is written in English for all men to read for themselves. Yet, the very next progression in spiritual awaking was another series of commentaries by men. Great religious leaders such as Calvin and Miller redefined Christianity into the attitudes that lead to the Great Inquisition and puritan attitudes that still fuel our morality today.
Look at our planet. Religious wars dominate current events. There are church buildings everywhere you look, but where are all the Christ filled Christians? My father use to say that, "Christianity has killed more people on this planet than any other force." The Muslims look at our faith as just empty words. We war against them in the name of God. We can rape, murder, plunder, and steal; but as long as we pray for forgiveness at the end of the day, we can sleep with a clear conscious.
Did the Archons really influence the early church and the miss-application of the Gospels? Something sure looks as if it did. How else could the message be so corrupted so quickly? Do these Archons have to come out in armor and battle us as demonic beings, or do they just have to plant some powers of suggestions? Call them 'Archons,' 'authorities of darkness,' or 'the spirits of wickedness' they all serve the same function: to '... inhibit spiritual awakening by convincing humanity of a false reality, they are the forces of sin, fear, and temptation. ... The Archons burden the soul, attracting us to works of evil, and pull us down into oblivion, make us forget who we are ...(and) ... induce a false plan of salvation into the human mind, a counterfeit of the true plan of self-liberation we can take by developing our innate potential of Nous, 'divine-intelligence.'''
My Weakness - Curse or Blessing?
However you describe the dark forces upon our lives, they sure know my weakness and attack me relentlessly. Where do these negative energy thoughts originate, within my biology or product of mental defect? Where do the voices come from that suggest I become angry or discontent? What powers so easily influence my attitudes and judgments? Who altered and manipulated my genetic makeup? What forces, beyond my control caused my de-evolution?
For much of my life, I bore these thoughts as a curse of additional impediments to my spiritual growth. My life would have been much easier, if God had not allowed me to suffer from mania. In the struggle for balance in life, I have also been forced to seek balance in cosmology. As the extremes of the possibilities mellow and blend into a central theme, I am more aware every day to the truth of how true science confirms the validity of literal scripture.
The Revelation
I enjoy Pondering non-scriptural references and witnesses to God. Scripture tells us that all creation witnesses to God's handiwork. Is it such a surprise that science finally does support scripture? There is only one truth and all evidence must witness to that truth. The understanding and balance is in the reality that all perspectives, even biblical ones, never contain the entire story.
I have also discovered that I have always believed. In fact, I think we all have a genetic memory of the truth that we cannot deny. Factor it right in there with genetic imprints if survival instincts and the desire to reproduce. The problem with me, and all of us, is that our educationally sanctioned version of reality doesn't include God. The Bible version of events have become implausible and hard to swallow, and therefore, easily dismissible as less than accurate. Diluting the Bible Story and ultimately diluting the entire message and increasing the difficulty in seeing scriptural truths as reality.
The Quest is to sort through our biological limitations as we explore the corporate church dominated cultural miss-direction and educational miss-information that fuels our understanding. My Quest becomes personal, and as I attempt to unlearn Corporate Christian attitudes and pseudo-beliefs; I ask only for patience and guidance to enlightenment, as I make my application to the Church that is built upon Peter.My demons may cause me pain and the struggle may sometimes feel hopeless, but the biggest revelation is in the fact: -- that He is with me, He has always been with me, guiding and directing me to where I am today.
